I’m sure most of us strive for perfection, especially today with so much information at our fingertips, which, whether we know it or not, is affecting our sense of self.

Let’s say we come across a former schoolmate on social media who is sharing their beautiful home. If we feel a sense of envy or regret because we don’t live like that, the pesky perfection ideology comes to life and forces us to act it out. It may manifest as cleaning or updating our home to the point where we feel it’s never good enough, expecting too much from ourselves and others, or getting angry or upset when others don’t do as we would like them to.

I grew up feeling self-conscious and anxious. I worried I would get in trouble for something or be tormented for no reason. I thought that if I were more accommodating and did what I was told, there would be nothing to worry about. I became not only a people pleaser, but a perfectionist people pleaser.

 

When it came to my appearance, I always made an effort to present my best self. For work, I always presented myself as professional and put together. When going out, I took care choosing an appropriate outfit. I didn’t feel I needed to look perfect, except when attending Sunday Mass. What to wear? Oh, no, that shirt is wrinkled. I need to iron it! I can’t wear these pants. What if I have panty lines? My shoes aren’t clean! It was because I always felt like I couldn’t be myself, wear what I wanted to wear, and felt like I was being judged there. And I was.

When I was a kid, I wore a sundress to church on a hot summer day. It was sleeveless, but not spaghetti straps, or inappropriate. It was a conservative seersucker sun dress with wide straps. The priest delivered a sermon about what to wear in church during the summer, emphasizing that sleeveless garments were considered disrespectful and not permitted. He looked at me when he spoke! I felt so ashamed. I wanted to leave the church right then. I could feel people looking at me. I never wore anything sleeveless in church again.

As an adult, after engaging in enough self-reflection and justifying my feelings, I walked away from the church. I still pray and believe wholeheartedly in God, Jesus, and the like, and I believe the church is within all of us. I follow the teachings of Jesus, and I strive to be a good person. I don’t need to be made to feel like I’m a sinner every Sunday when I’m not.

 

 

I tried to be perfect with my house and yard so no one would call me out on something I didn’t do well enough. For a time, I wasn’t pleasant to be around on the cleaning days. Everything had to be just so. I have also been very hard on myself with my writing, wanting it to be perfect, but never quite getting there. All this pressure doesn’t allow for creativity to flow or for relationships to flow. It keeps us stuck.

 

Striving for perfection can become exhausting and can even cause others to walk on eggshells around the perfectionist so they’re not criticized. As I gained more perspective on myself, I realized that there is no such thing as “perfect.” Perfection is a perception we think will appease and appeal to others, thereby gaining respect, approval, and positive attention, but it can backfire. Perfectionism is used to mask insecurity, low self-worth, and low self-esteem.

We can never achieve a “perfect” life. We can only aspire to do better.

If we make a mistake, all we need to do is fess up to it, learn from it, and move on. The lesson is enough. We don’t need to haggle with ourselves about how we fudged up. Nobody is perfect.

Let’s stop this relentless pursuit of perfection. It’s okay to want to show up in life with nice things, like what we see in the mirror, and have ambitions for a greater purpose. The needle dives towards perfectionism when we cannot be happy unless things go exactly as planned.

Also, remember not to let guilt or shame fuel a need to be perfect.

“Shame is a feeling deep within us of being exposed and unworthy. Some people fight against shame by striving for perfection. This is a way of compensating for an underlying sense of defectiveness.” Beverly Engel, author of Healing Your Emotional Self.  Ms. Engel infers that “defectiveness” is a wrong belief developed in young children who were exposed to emotional abuse and neglect, emotional or physical.

Look, we’re all struggling to get through life unscathed, if possible. We’re all different and handle life in unique ways, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to living and being happy. All I’m doing is presenting ideas that might help someone navigate a challenging life situation and lighten their load.

Thank you for reading, and I’d love to hear your thoughts on the topic of perfectionism.

To being imperfect,

Francesca

 

Created by a human for humans.

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