I recently began going to a meditation class. The guy teaching us is incredible at instructing, and I feel so relaxed leaving the class. He gave us printouts with Buddhist prayers for meditation. Once home, I slipped the papers into sheet protectors in an organized binder I created labeled “Mindfulness, Meditation and Relaxation. (Oh, I’m a binder gal. I use them to be organized. You should see my recipe binders. I get a buzz when I go into Staples or down a stationary aisle at a store. )

Anyhoo, after the first class, I didn’t meditate at all during the week. I went to the second class all revved up to do meditation every single day for five minutes. I did it once. That was over a week ago, and I haven’t meditated since. That was the only time I had done it since starting the mediation class.

It hit me hard today when I wrote a friend a text about how I don’t do self-care – and if I do, it’s always attached to a reason (like I wrote in a previous blog post about needing a reason to walk, like to mail something at the post office.)

Aren’t I reason enough?

Isn’t my health the most important thing over needing to mail a letter? That should be just a bonus, not the main reason I walk.

I’m going to keep it real here and tell you that I live close to my family. There have been times I was stopped as I walked by to ask me something, or maybe they needed help. I never refused. However, it got me off track. I felt like I couldn’t just walk out of my home and take a walk without feeling anxious and worrying if someone was going to stop me. And then I was like, What? I’m an adult and have a voice that can say no; I can’t help you right now.

Not too long ago, my father drove up to me while I was walking and asked me to get in. I feared something horrific happened, but it didn’t (thank God.) He got one of those cyber security breach letters and wanted my help to get his credit report. That was the emergency that required me to get into his truck and stop what I was doing – for me. I felt like a child instead of an adult.

Today I was singing a song chorus in my head, “Enough is Enough is Enough, I’ve had Enough!” It’s from a 1979 song by Donna Summer and Barbra Streisand titled “No More Tears (Enough is Enough.) While the song is about a man, my singing of it has to do with having enough of how I’m not honoring myself.

It’s wild! Even though I’m aware of most of my actions, I am not doing things to help reduce stress or self-care stuff that relaxes me, like exercising or meditating. I know it’s sad. We have one body to live in. It only makes sense to take care of it, right?

I’ve been under a lot of stress for years, mostly because I want to earn money using my writing and singing abilities. The money has not been forthcoming yet for that, but I keep on striving to find time to work on my writing, now a podcast, and some days, creating a new song – all with the end goal of earning a living from it. Creative ideas flow out of me like a fast-moving creek. And when I gift myself the time to work with it, I feel right – like I’m living my life, not floating by wondering what I ate for breakfast. (My life used to be like that, and it didn’t feel good.) But the financial stress gets to me and makes me feel so guilty for doing creative things I’m not earning money from yet, and I tell myself I should be using that time for more constructive things like landing a better job. The constant pressure hasn’t allowed me to plan and stick to it because I’ve been too wound up to think straight!

From the years of therapy (professional and info I’ve gotten from books, YouTube videos – Tedx talks are great – etc.) I have the tools. I know the answers and why I do what I do. I’ve done all the self-reflecting work a human could do, but I still hold myself back. I’ve been blaming this house and the close proximity to childhood trauma as the reasons why I’m not moving forward, but I blame myself more for us being stuck here. If I look out the window, I see the cemetery where I was attacked. If I look down the street when the leaves are off the trees, I see my grandparents’ house, where I always felt unwanted and unloved, or if I go out my front door to my car, I see my parents’ house and feel anxious I’m going to hear a whistle or a hollar of my name. The little girl in me is petrified, stuck in a loop of chaos and unrest. And believe me, I don’t go looking for memories. They just find me living here.

Since my husband and I aren’t moving until I shake the money tree and start earning what I’m worth, I’ve got to figure out how to override the old stuff in my mind. I know it’s a matter of being mindful of my actions, my time, and what I’m allowing in my life. I’m always busy, and the clock keeps chugging along, but I seem to be trying to catch it to do what’s important to me.

Yeah, I know the things we do are mainly brought about by habits. We brush our teeth because it’s a habit we learn, and it comes naturally to do it. We don’t have to put much effort into it. It’s just ingrained in us. We can create new habits for taking care of ourselves. I need to create new habits for writing, meditating, exercising when I want to, reading, or doing anything that I like to do that makes me feel good and helps reduce stress.

So, the gist of this post is twofold. I wanted to vent this out to figure out a solution, and I think maybe someone might relate to this, too. Some of us tend to put ourselves last, moms especially. We learned that we were obligated to please someone else before ourselves. How dreadful! And the people responsible for teaching us that crap either didn’t know and were merely replaying what they learned from their parents or it was for selfish reasons to control and keep us small and quiet. Regardless of which reason, that mindset has got to be changed pronto for us to be happy and feel peace. We can say no! We can take time for ourselves! And we CAN believe in our dreams and goals and not feel guilty for working on them to make them a reality.

It comes back to realizing that the wrong messages we learned were lies, not the truth. Keeping that in mind will help us be more aware of our actions to make the right choices. That’s life – it’s a continuous developing process for the sake of our inner peace. And we are so worth it!

Thank you for reading this, and let’s make a pack with ourselves to be more mindful of our actions and make sure it aligns with our happiness, even if it’s just a few minutes to start. Easing into it will help not shock our belief system and let us make it a permanent change to have inner peace.

To Taking Care of Ourselves,

Francesca