Forgiving is tough, I know. But when we forgive, something good happens to us. We get to move past the pain.

Forgiving someone is not letting them get away with whatever they did to hurt us; it is us releasing the moment to heal and move on, and not allowing it to hurt us again. When we don’t forgive, it’s like us touching a hot stove every time we think of the word “stove,” and we get burned over and over again.  And guess what, it hurts.

 

Letting It Go

For me, it didn’t matter if it was a rude customer service person at a store, a bully co-worker, or a family/friend who hurt me; I held all that anger and resentment poison in. It was like a toxic juice that kept festering and manifesting into ailments like inflammation and pain, among other things.

When we don’t or can’t forgive, we hold on to the memories and everything attached to that person that causes us pain. Do we deserve to keep feeling that pain? No!

We can say we can forget about it and put it into a compartment in our brain, never to be thought of again, but until we consciously process it, it’s still there. Not processing something and keeping it out of your mind’s attention only allows the anger and pain to fester, coming out in other ways that not only harm us, but others, too.

 

The Forgiveness Muscle

The idea of forgiveness has been on my mind because I know that not forgiving was harming me. I thought if I forgive, then I’m letting someone off the hook for hurting me, and they got away with what they did. But then it dawned on me that that rationale only made the situation linger in my thoughts, replaying the pain over and over. I was like – what am I doing? Something needed to change.

If you struggle with forgiving someone, start with the easier ones and work your way up. Like building muscle in your body, forgiveness needs to be worked on to be able to do it more quickly, thereby releasing the hold that pain has on us.

Did you ever notice that when you talk about a past situation, the same feelings arise? If we’re talking about a painful situation we never processed, our heart rate increases, we get angry, again, as if we were still there in the situation. Yes, discussing a painful situation is healthy to get it out and process it, but if we don’t feel any forgiveness, we won’t feel like we’ve moved beyond the pain.

Grudges

 

People often hold grudges and refuse to speak to others due to past pain. Someone hurt someone, and the one who got hurt doesn’t want to get hurt again. If the hurt person gets a sincere apology from another who wants to make amends and have a healthy relationship, there is an opportunity for both parties to heal. Still, it might take a while to trust again, and the only way that happens is to prove it with a changed behavior and mindset.

I thought of myself as a forgiving person because I found myself moving past painful situations and learning a lesson from them. I believed things would be different in interactions that were challenging because I was different. I had hope that people evolve, mature, see the errors of their ways, want to change, and get healthier like I did.

Until we heal and love ourselves – and realize how much our lives and feelings are valid and worthy of respect, we won’t assert ourselves, or if needed, walk away. Why some people think it’s okay to harm another is beyond my mind’s capability, since I don’t think like a hurtful person. Sure, I’ve made mistakes and hurt someone because I was in pain, like most of us do, but I fessed up to them. took responsibility for my actions and apologized.

Take Responsibility

 

When we get hurt, it’s natural to play the blame game. Another person did something to hurt us and disregarded our feelings. But here’s the thing: yes, getting hurt sucks, but until we learn how to stick up for ourselves rationally and assertively, we can’t place the blame entirely on another. Our naivete gets us into trouble with painful situations because we don’t know any better. The goal is to move past the pain, and we achieve this by learning how to do so.

To truly feel forgiveness and let the pain go for our own sake, we first need to forgive ourselves. Then we can visualize forgiving someone else and see the situation in a new light. Instead of seeing the pain again, visualize yourself releasing it and moving on to something better.

We are feeling beings. No amount of shouting at us with hardcore theories about how life is fu*ked anyway, so let’s make the most of it and quit complaining (yes, there is a book that shares that theory that I disagree with) is going to heal us. Books like that are just another distraction that gets us pumped up for a little while until the adrenaline wears off, and the quick fix we were hoping to find is no better than that last new “theory” we found of how to get through life.

 

The Healthy Theory

 

The only “theory” we ought to know (and this is from my years of experience researching and learning about the subject of self-help – not that I consider myself an expert on life) is that we’re intelligent beings who deserve to be loved and respected (first by ourselves).

What we desire can be a reality if we make it so, but we have to believe we deserve it. We do have the power to change our lives. All we have to do is do the work to achieve it. That might entail seeing a therapist to address irrational thoughts, learning how to change your thoughts to more positive ones, and cultivating genuine love for yourself through self-reflection and self-care.

Sadly, too many of us are living life hating ourselves and not even realizing it. If we can’t forgive ourselves, how can we forgive others?

Thank you for reading this.

To forgiving,

Francesca

 

Written by a human for humans.

© 2025 FrancescaME | All rights reserved.

 

 

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